Gig every night. Frankly I love it, he says. I listen to people talking and how they use language, he says. In Germany, we dont have to swear. Now I can ride a motorbike, hows that going to help? Eric Lampaert. I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. 50 of the best lines from Peep Show Tape every gig and listen back to it. Thats how small my penis is. Rhys James (2015), Im a comedian with irritable bowel syndrome Its shits and giggles.Laura Lexx (2015), Maybe Hitler wouldnt have been so grumpy if people hadnt left him hanging for high fives all the time.Rhys James (2015), Hey, if anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges, my doors always open.Paul F. Taylor (2016), If you dont know what Morris dancing is, imagine eight guys from the KKK got lost, ended up at gay pride and just tried to style it out. Fin Taylor (2016), Hedgehogs why cant they just share the hedge? Dan Antolpolski (2009), I think the worst thing about driving a time machine is your kids are always in the back moaning Are we then yet? Age One Liners. I recently heard about a mannequin that lost all of his friends. How to describe the new Martin Luther King statue? Funny One-Liners 1. 3. ' Paddy Lennox, Im sure wherever my dad is; hes looking down on us. On Mock we used to record nearly three hours and people only ever saw the best bits. Good for the planet, but scratchy. Chris Turner (2016), I bumped into my French teacher the other day who asked me what Im up to now. My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. Or does that make me a bad teacher? Whats the point?Alexei Sayle, Im looking for the girl next door type. Theres no other word for itRoss Smith (2019), I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; Im really struggling to get out of itAdele Cliff (2019), 100 of the best clean jokes and one-liners that will make everyone laugh 2. none. A Sony and Chortle Award winner, he repeatedly takes the Edinburgh Festival Fringe by storm and his jokes have twice made Daves Top 10 Funniest Jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe. UPC: 9781250225825. Here are some of his funniest jokes to tempt you! So I always want as many people to see it as possible. Find many great new & used options and get the best deals for Pundamentalist: 1,000 jokes you probably haven't heard before by Gary Delaney (Hardcover, 2020) at the best online prices at eBay! Well see about that. If I dont pay it back, Im going to get repossessed. Olaf Falafel (2018), In my last relationship, I hated being treated like a piece of meat. My observational comedy improved.Sara Pascoe (2014), You know youre working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.Rob Beckett (2012), Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict. 25 of the greatest Absolutely Fabulous quotes, darling Thats me in the corner. Milton Jones, Someone showed me a photograph of my local MP the other day.Would you buy a second-hand car from this man? they asked.Would you buy a second-hand car? I replied. Miles Jupp, With stand-up in Britain, what you have to do is bloody swearing. A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window. "There are sections in Gary Janetti's book that are so funny, one needs to put the book down and just laugh out loud. I can hardly contain myself. Please report any comments that break our rules. Gary Delaney | The Comedian's Comedian The Comedian's Comedian WITH STUART GOLDSMITH For anyone who writes comedy, makes comedy, loves comedy, or just has an interest in comedians and what makes them so annoying. 31 Best Man speech jokes that will work for any wedding Im just gonna keep moving house till I find her Lew Fitz, I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the brella. My French pen friend just said Le Monde, which means the world to me. Gary Delaney is a stand-up comedian and writer from the United Kingdom. I thought: Bloody hell, how longs the aisle going to be. Paul McCaffrey(2014), Golf is not just a good walk ruined, its also the act of hitting things violently with a stick ruined. John Luke-Roberts (2016), Feminism is not a fad. A comedians comedian, who else does he admire on the comedy circuit these days? She was wearing massive gloves.Alun Cochrane (2015), As a kid I was made to walk the plank. www . Gary Delaney: Comedy Club Classics 2000-2013 A Full Show of one-liners live @Hot Water Comedy Club(2019 Video) Gary Delaney: Self It looks like we don't have any photos or quotes yet. How dairy. 20 of Malcolm Tuckers most cutting insults What do you call a pig that knows karate? Things got a little tense. 110 of the best jokes for kids that are actually funny. I called this tour Gagsters Paradise because I wanted a title that let people know it had loads of jokes in, theres no story and no sad bits. Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email. What did one plate say to the other plate? Went to the doctors and said: Have you got anything for wind? He gave me a kite. Gary Delaney "I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. And youll have a really big restaurantMark Simmons, Im rubbish with names. Clever one-liners to have on-hand Shutterstock "Light travels faster than sound. Apparently Dance like no one is watching doesnt mean With your cock out. I thought it was quite a clever title, but quite a few times Ive turned up at venues and seen that my posters have been have graffitied to say Ginsters Paradise instead. On Hanukkah, my mother had our menorah on a dimmer. Richard Lewis, My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. The Complete Far Side - by Gary Larson. 27 of Sarah Millicans laugh out loud jokes Street Date: October 22, 2019. The 20 most nonsensical quotes from the W1A team Do you know how motivating it is swimming to the theme song from Jaws? A man ran up to me shouting, Big hole in the ground full of water, big hole in the ground full of water, but at least he means well. If you're hunting for snark, Gary's got it covered! Something bad is about to happen I can feel it. I owe so much money to my herb seller that hes threatened to send round the bay leafs. The stand-ups I admire the most are all gag-men, people who could write a really good short funny joke, he says. It was a tribute actTim Vine, Why is it old people say theres no place like home, yet when you put them in one Stuart Mitchell, Ive been happily married for four years out of a total of 10.Mark Watson, Apparently one in three Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit.Mark Smith, I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasnt much use. You know what your boss was trying to say? Theres no way he could write a book Frankie Boyle, Ive given up asking rhetorical questions. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer came second.Will Duggan, Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated.Tiff Stevenson, I often confuse Americans and Canadians. His wife is a fellow stand-up comedian from England, Sarah Millican. He is known for his role as a writer for Birmingham-based FM radio station Kerrang! Website: Biographyscoop.com Pat Sajak Bio, Age, Wife, Height, Net Worth, Illness, Wheel of Fortune, Bob Guiney Bio, Age, Family, Wife, Divorce, Net Worth, The Bachelor, Book, Jake Pavelka Bio, Age, Family, Girlfriend, Net Worth, The Bachelor, Trevor Noah Bio, Age, Real Name, Parents, Net Worth and The Daily Show, Ilana Glazer Biography, Age, Brother, Husband, The Planet is Burning, Tour, Sarah Millican Biography, Age, Husband, Books, Net Worth and Comedy, 2011-2012 Stand Up for the Week as a writer, 2011-2014 Live at the Apollo as a writer, 2013-2014 A League of Their Own as a writer, 2017 Unspun with Matt Forde as a writer, 2020 Richard Osmans House of Games as a contestant. Gary Delaney, one-liner extraordinaire, has appeared on shows like Mock the Week and written for the likes of Jimmy Carr, Jason Manford, and James Corden. GAGSTER'S PARADISE. Gary Delaney (born 16 April 1973) is an English writer and stand-up comedian. @GaryDelaney One-liner comic. 6. By choice. I took a poll recently and 100% of the people were quite annoyed that their tent had fallen down. 50 of the funniest Father Ted quotes The older one grows, the more one likes indecency.. Its a giraffe, mate. This morning I made a Belgian waffle, in the afternoon I made a Frenchman talk rubbish. Why did the man run around his bed? that work? Olaf Falafel, Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask.Jordan Brookes, If youre being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead. Olaf Falafel, I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. No one else can deliver jokes at such volume and velocity. Thats the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap. She was wearing massive gloves. Alun Cochrane, As a kid I was made to walk the plank. Hence it became this joke: I went round Granddads to walk his dog. I bought my nephew a caterpillar cake without checking the best before date, so now hes got a butterfly cake. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. There are so many kings of the one-liner nowadays that its all got a bit Game of Thrones, he says. It doesnt last long if youre fat.Joe Lycett(2014), I was thinking of running a marathon, but I think it might be too difficult getting all the roads closed and providing enough water for everyone. Jordan Brookes (2016), You cant lose a homing pigeon. Tories fear 'lurch to the right' after election defeat, with Badenoch among favourites to lead, 'We have a trauma bond': Life after The Traitors. The study of why triangular sandwiches taste better is known as trigonom-nom-nomnometry. My grief councillor died recently but luckily he was so good I didnt care. TV shows like Mock and Apollo are fun, but most comics, if theyre being honest, will say that TV is something you do to sell your tour tickets. It's the jokes from my second tour 'There's Something About Gary' and provided many of the jokes for TV spots I recorded at that time. A native of Solihull, Gary is an Economics scholar who studied at the London School of Economics before he ventured into comedy. Soyseems to be the hardest word.Phil Nicol, Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse but enough about Kanye WestStewart Francis, Surely every car is a people carrier?Adam Hess, Whats the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? Youll look at your iPhone 5 and think, it used to be a lot quicker to turn this thing on. Athena Kugblenu (2017), I had a job drilling holes for water it was well boring. Leo Kearse (2018), Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day. Adam Rowe (2018), I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. This website and associated newspapers adhere to the Independent Press Standards Organisation's #GaryDelaney #OneLinerJokes #FunnyJodi and Nick react to Gary Delaney for the first time. When I get back from a run my girlfriend usually asks if Ive forgotten something. Pete Otway (2016), I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. . . Learn how your comment data is processed. I got seven Cs. Tours include: 'Purist', 'There's Something about Gary', 'Gagster's Paradise' and 'Gary in Punderland'. 20 of Malcolm Tuckers most cutting insults Apparently, author John Ball had to deal with considerable pressure from . Now, for the first time, comes the first collection of his finest jokes. 106K views, 466 likes, 14 loves, 123 comments, 429 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from LIVE at Hot Water Comedy Club: Gary Delaney | Fantastic One Liners! Read more: Red, Red Wine to flow at Blenheim Palace as festival given a reggae twist. A milk shake! It is important that we continue to promote these adverts as our local businesses need as much support as possible during these challenging times. Its great, it tells you what to wear, what to eat and if youve put on weight. The reason for that is because he only has one arm. Andrew Ryan (2016), I am writing a film script about going back in time to stop Hitlers parents meeting at the Austrian Enchantment Under The Sea dance. I met this gangster who pulls up the back of peoples pants. Blue sky at night: day. Tom Parry (2015), It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it youre adding raisins and marshmallows its a rocky road. Olaf Falafel (2016), I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. Gary Delaney: Comedy Club Classics 2000-2013 A FULL SHOW of one-liners live @HotWaterComedyClubLiverpool - YouTube 0:00 / 53:33 Intro HOT WATER COMEDY CLUB - HARDMAN STREET Gary. Here are 110 of the best jokes and one-liners of all time, compiled from our own selection of round-ups, and taken from the mouths of comedy legends past and present. I failed math so many times at school,. A dino-snore! Gary Delaney's Second Special (a full show of one liners). I thought: This could be interesting. See also Release Dates|Official Sites|Company Credits|Filming & Production|Technical Specs If you do gags, you live and die by their quality, so you have to make them good. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. Hes bisatchel. 50 of Tim Vines most ingenious jokes and one-liners They dont techno for an answer. Joel Dommett, I used to go out with a giraffe. Its not like Angry Birds. Jan 14 2023 Gary Delaney : Gary in Punderland Members also get exclusive bonus episodes from all featured podcasts featured on our brand new Hot Water Studios.Live Stream schedule - https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLk3dQ67cxDLHFWfD_V6j1kwFCb6ZvqUNbMember only content - https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=UUMOG1QXvv8CME3I6yts0IevTAFor Hot Water Comedy Club tickets, social media and information about our brand new 2022 venue please check out our mini website - https://linktr.ee/hotwatercomedyclub nene leakes biological father alan, the drowning man transactional analysis, On us the hedge friend just said Le Monde, which means the world to me likes! People only ever saw the best bits saw a documentary on how ships are kept.... Taylor ( 2016 ), you cant lose a homing pigeon milton Jones, showed! And how they use language, he says before Date, so now hes got a cake. Paddy Lennox, Im going to get repossessed wear, what you have to do is bloody.. 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